Don't Let Your Heart Hold Any Tears

I sat down and thought of all the things I love about my pets and the list was fairly extensive, but it was riddled with some not so rewarding words as well.  I have four dogs and a horse and frankly that's enough; and then some.   My yellow Lab is nearing the end of her stay on earth as a physical being.  I love this Lab.  She is my constant friend and loyal to the degree only a Lab can be.  Okay I'm sure there are many arguments for that out there and I know there are other breeds and Heinz 57s who are just as loyal.  But please, let me have my moment to gush about Maddie.  We brought this adorable, roly-poly, little, yellow, butterball into our lives in September 2000.  She was born in Prescott, Arizona along with seven other litter mates.  We got to have first pick, but rather than choose, we were chosen.  Maddie (Abigail was the name they gave her) waddled playfully over to me and it was love at first sight.  At eight weeks, she was still a little unsure of her legs and her paws were huge.

The puppy stage was anything but mellow and serene.  You would think I would have noticed how hyper the mother was when we were in Prescott to pick out our pup.  I should add here, as a child I was petrified of dogs.  P e t r i f i e d.  But, I wanted a Lab.  And I wanted this Lab.  At least until she started stealing everything that wasn't tied down.   There was no stopping this exuberant pup for the next... hmmmm four years? Five?  I got over my fear of dogs, but I learned what having patience and tolerance was for a super high energy dog.  On a positive note, she was the easiest pup to house train.  What a good puppy she was--too proud to have any accidents in the house.  And exuberant was her middle name!

As the years wore on, she started to calm down and was and is still my constant companion.  Never more than a couple feet away from me and always with those big brown eyes locked on me.  She is quite old in human years and can't follow me around as easily anymore which leaves her no choice but to place herself strategically on the tile floor in order to see me, where-ever I might go.  If I'm gone long enough, she will hoist herself up and find me.  However, the past few days she has needed help getting up.  My beautiful Labby can no longer get up on her own and she groans as she slides to the floor.  I know she is in pain from the cancer which has invaded her once strong body.

We have a tough decision to make and it tears me apart to do this.  I wish she would go peacefully on her own, but I fear her loyalty won't let her.

This beautiful little poem captures this moment we are in

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this -- the last battle -- can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close -- we two -- these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

-- Unknown 

Update:  I wrote this post about a month ago... it took me that long to make the decision.  

We said our tearful farewells last night--and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  I honestly don't know if I can do it again.  It tore my heart out.  I know she's not in pain now, but she's not here.  I miss her beyond words.  I heard her bark this morning.  I took out 4 treats for the dogs before I went out.  I hid her food bowl last night so I wouldn't be reminded of it when I made their breakfast this morning.  She is missing.  She is missed.  My Maddie.....